grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
