I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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