i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Two words: nipple clamps
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