Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
