Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
