the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
