If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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