Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
