I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
