If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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