so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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