I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
