Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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