I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
