I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
