I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
