I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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