Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
