i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
