youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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