singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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