you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
