The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
