he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
