I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
