well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
