And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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