Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
