the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
