She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
