I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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