let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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