i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
