I didn't shave. On purpose
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Is Oprah even human
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
