at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
