the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
COCAINE IS GR8
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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