he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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