I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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