mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
