i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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