haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
