True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I think a kid would responsible me up
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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