my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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