Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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