omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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