So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
