The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
the liver wants what the liver wants
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
