You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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