those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
