How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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