but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
