I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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