Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
