I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
They have beer where we have blood.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
