false alarm. still invincible.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
