I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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