I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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